We took a bus from Chiang Mai to the confusingly similarly-sounding Chiang Rai. Your options are to take one of the normal scheduled buses, which are about 140 baht (~ £2.80), stop pretty frequently, aren't air-conditioned (they've got desk fans bolted to most surfaces and drive with both sets of doors open instead), and are 48 narrow seats with people and belongings pushed into every available space.
Alternatively you can travel "VIP" on a small coach for 288 baht (just over a fiver) and have reclinable seats, water and a snack, AC, and just an otherwise pleasant journey. I'll let you guess which way we opted.
We only stayed the night in Chiang Rai, as we were coming back in a couple of days after we'd been to Thaton and Mae Sai. While we were there though, we organised to get a Thai massage in our room before dinner. A nice lady and her colleague duly came up and beat the shit out of us. Chan still has the marks now. Thusly wrecked, we went to a local restaurant that did Lanna (northern Thai) cuisine.
The following morning we got a taxi to drop us off the following morning at the boat stop on the river so we could catch the 10:30 service up to Thaton. There is a 'government', i.e scheduled service to and from Thaton daily. Alternatively you can charter your own boat privately. I was guessing we might need to get our own boat because of luggage, even though we were down to one body bag after leaving one in storage in Bangkok. But they just throw everyone's bags in a pile at the bow, so we got on with everybody else, who turned out to be two French couples.
The boats on the rivers in Thailand are invariably 'long-tail' boats: long banana-shaped canoes powered by car engines driving a propeller directly from the drive-shaft by way of several meters of rod, hence the name. The driver pivots the whole engine assembly to maneuver the boat.
The boat stops at a handful of resort areas and other places of tourist note, like an elephant camp (Chan is frowning) and hill tribe village (where you can gawp at the long-necked ladies, if you're so inclined). But our crowd were all on for Thaton, as we were.
The seasons in this part of the world are really just wet and dry, and we were there when it was dry and so the river level was relatively low. This made for some (literally) rocky going and at one point our driver had us get out and walk for half a kilometer as he needed the boat higher in the water to clear some shallows.
We went around one blind corner, just for counterpart boat coming the other direction to outright crash into us, each turning just in time such that we collided side-by-side rather than the other guy running several of us through with his bowsprit, leaving me within hand-shaking distance of an American in the same seat on the other boat. We said hi.
There were various villagers along the way, socialising and washing by the water or fishing. Everyone smiled and waved at us like the nosy clowns that we were. The wild pigs and herds of water buffalo weren't quite as interested.
The journey takes 4 hours, which makes for a bit of a numb bum, as you're essentially sat on some padding on the wooden floor. But it's a very scenic trip, and so much better than getting there by bus.
We arrived in Thaton, said farewell to our fellow travellers and walked the half mile or so to the little resort where we were staying - a hideaway in the hills owned by a retired Frenchman and his Thai wife.
The sun was a touch oppressive by this point, but it didn't seem far enough to trouble a taxi for. A local chap in a pickup pulled over when we were about halfway there, asking if we were going to a place on a leaflet he gestured to. We said no, we're only walking around the corner. Then we saw that our destination was about 300m up a 1:4 incline, which was fun in the heat. So, wheezing and dripping with sweat, we get there only for it to transpire that all of our co-travellers were staying in the same place and the nice bloke with the truck was sent to get them. Curses.
All of our fellow guests there were French, the owner plainly being a bit of a magnet for his kind here in northern Thailand, forming some weird French enclave in the trees.
We spent the night there and made sure to trek up to the local temple to get the view.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
For posterity, in case anyone is googling for details of the boat trip from Chaing Rai in the Thaton direction, as we were vainly trying to do before we went, here is the cost break-down for the various stops and options as of 9th Feb 2016:
The tickets are sold at the boat station next to the bridge, but not until 10am for a 10:30 launch. Be there no later than 10:!5 if you want to get a place.
Kurzfassung auf Deutsch: Warten Sie bitte.
