After the battlefields and before Nashville, we stopped in Pigeon Forge, TN.
Chan and I struggle to describe this place. It’s in the shadow of the Smokey Mountains and seems to exist as a tourist town, being predominantly constructed of novelty hotels, themed dinners and other attractions. They have a Titanic museum with half a scaled-down Titanic outside, which was unexpected. The overall feel of the place is a bit Vegas-y without the gambling or maybe a bit like Blackpool minus the burnt chip fat and post-apocalyptic barbarism. We also drove past a bible-themed dinner show. I cannot vouch for the authenticity of the cuisine.
If you like bread and fish, it could be a winner
Naturally we stayed in a hotel where it’s Christmas every goddamned day of the year. This could be described as either magical or horrific depending on whether Chantelle or I write this post, respectively.
Delightful, I’m sure
There is perpetual glockenspiel Christmas music playing in the foyer and played over the rest of the hotel via the PA system. It’s like insanity is waiting to claim you around every corner if your vigilance wanes for even a second.
They do have free cookies by the front desk, though. My soul can be bought.
Demented hotels to one side, the big reason we were here was so we could go to Dollywood - Dolly Parton’s own theme park, for the unaware. Frankly I had no idea what that would look like and could say in all honesty that I had no preconceptions to confound. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did, however.
It’s a theme park, with your standard ride and concession setup, only people were really, really nice. The whole place feels so pleasant. Chan was smiling like a simpleton the whole time because she liked how the locals talked.
We did catch the park at the back-end of the season so it was relatively quiet, and many of the attendees were of an age and condition such that they were unlikely to congest the queues for the rollercoasters, so everything could be got on with minimal waiting. Once we had elected to get wet at the end of the day, they let us ride the log flume until we had to politely ask to get off. The rides were of a decent standard too, with at least a couple of rollercoasters in the Busch Gardens league.
Food was very southern, and not bad at all for that:
Pictured: Obligatory Chicken-fried steak. Look it up.
It’s the first theme park I’ve seen with a church, too.
This was not a shock to find
There is a shop where you can buy any of Dolly’s outfits in ‘Your size’. I did not see any of the inevitable horrors birthed by buffet-lines and blind optimism, but the facility is there if you need it, ladies.
Just imagine
They also have an eagle sanctuary (which is apparently very successful and has released several breeding pairs into the wild, which is nice) and a steam train for rides into the hills. And since I can’t punch Mother Nature directly in the face personally, I’ll have to settle for this trip’s recurring theme of burning solid fuel to get nowhere in particular.
Dioxins, y’all
So yeah, I was largely baffled this whole couple of days. Although, aside from occasionally waking up in a 3am cold sweat with Santa/Satan’s own festive tinnitus haunting my dreams, a good time was had.
Kurzfassung auf Deutsch: Dieser Staat ist seltsam.
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